If you are new to my blog......welcome. If not thank you for being on this journey with me in seeking self discovery and what it means to live in your most authentic self. I named the blog "Beautifully Flawed" for a myriad of reasons. For the soul is a complex entity made up of human experiences that are ever shifting and changing who we are.......for good and bad and everything in between.
I believe at our core being we are goodness made in the Light of Love; which if you haven't figured out throughout my post by now is my central belief. At the same time, I am not blind to the reality that we are highly flawed through our existence within ourselves but that does not mean being flawed we are condemned to our darkness. The beauty is that we can write our own story in an absolute state of consciousness if we awaken ourselves to truths in the universe.
So this post will look different in that it will be more personal. Letting you into a space deeper than even I know where the beginning and ends is; but in order to keep reaching for my most authentic self.........I must be real in truth. In doing so, hopefully it will give you strength to speak your truth.
Shame. We can either be a prisoner oitsf lies or we can overcome and rise above it all.
The great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said:
"You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?"
I have two beautiful children whom like any parent would say to God take my life before you ever take my heart from me. For before them........Love was always within me......but it was reborn spiritually in a place within me that I never knew existed. Love was dormant and waiting to be given its light but through my demons and lack of self betrayal, I let them down. I felt a shame like no other that pinned me down for so long. Taking me on a piercing and jagged road that cut and wounded me unrecognizable when I looked at my own reflection.
Self inflected by the lack of understanding of my own traumatic experiences and not embracing my highly flawed growing up experiences........created this illusion of a human being whom on the outside looking perfect in every way, but inside a soul afraid of Truth in its most raw and unfiltered state. Never allowing my inner and wisdom of the heart to emerge and take its rightful place within.
When I was about 6 or 7 years old. I had my 1st mother whom i loved with my whole being. Although not be blood, but she was my heart as if she birthed me. But then one day without explanation a tall woman with long brown hair down to her back who was covered in perfume from head to toe came in our house with a suitcase. Moving her stuff in, all the while as I watched my heart leave out the door and cross paths with the mistress in an unpleasant situation that rendered a place that felt like the twilight zone mixed with hell. I stood there breaking into a million pieces but giving the appearance of strength and courage to face this new reality that was dealt to me. Having to comprehend the chaos within was too painful so it was never spoken of. Never given life to breath and mourn and accept the truth that it was not my fault. This was the catalyst for a self that hid from authenticity. Hid from allowing the voices within to grow and speak freely; causing destruction that would forever seek real love; validation and acceptance from outside then from within.
Adulthood. I entered a relationship that was toxic to its core. One being Emotionally, mentally, physically abusive I allowed and let stay in my life for too long. The other just as bad without the physical.
Both believing that being worthy of any kind love, validation, acceptance......i'd have to change. But how could I change when I didn't know who I was or what I knew to be my truth? So down I went into the deep abyss of darkness that took me to the spaces of eternal damn nation of untruths. In giving my power away to someone who did not value nor have a soul of his own ...........I gave away my God Given Feminine Beauty And Glory that is birthed to me in at my core.
Thus creating wedges and separation from those that would have fed my soul for the goodness it deserved. My family suffered my loss of relations for years as with my children.
Shame lead me down a path one night where a bottle of sleeping pills fooled me into thinking i deserved everything that was happening to me. The abuse. The lies. The unwillingness to believe in myself over another.
If the truth was let out that I was flawed, weak, broken.......I was not worthy of anyone's presence in my life that was of love and light. That was the lie pulling me from my real self. The self that is in ALL WAYS LOVE AND LIGHT. I will forever be a flawed being but the difference is that when you realize WHO ARE ARE and don't let Shame split you in half, slice up your insides where you don't see yourself...........you start to live the life God intended for you to be.
The Author Virginia Wolf said it best and in its most simplistic way:
"Unless I am myself. I am nobody."
God has graced me with the path of healing and mending with my daughter whom I lost contact with for about 10 years. This was not my wish but i own the path it took and accept it. My son, we are slowly finding our way to re-shape a new existence outside of a life that was not perfect but appearances said otherwise. My family is shows grace and mercy in that which I am indebted for an eternity. I am a work in progress to accept it................but I know I am worthy and I am not my sins or past.
Shame will only hold you back from reality and try to mask the pain and numb what you don''t want to face. It is not your friend but can teach you lessons about yourself in where you have been and where you want to go. Where you need to go in order to keep growing into your authentic self that the world needs and loves. Sometimes the road is long and tough but we must never give up on living this life we are blessed with each and every day. Each day is a gift to change something about yourself that will bring you closer to yourself in wholeness. In being real. To embrace beauty in it's true light. Highly flawed but holds power in knowing oneself.
Be Bold. Be Brave. Be Beautiful
